I propose that we combine Independance Day with Thanksgiving.

I say the these holidays are two sides of the same coin. We don’t need them both. We’d get by just fine with only one.

The main argument for combining them is Thanksgiving. It’s a big, heavy-hitter of a holiday. People fly across the country for Thanksgiving. Even if you don’t fly across the county, you still have a ton of cooking (and overeating, wtf.) which means spending a lot of money. Then there’s drinks, wine, folding chairs, and a gargantuan cleanup.

Then, a month later, do it all again, except with presents.

Why? What is Thanksgiving really about? Thanking the native Americans for feeding us by, um, feeding ourselves again and again? Coulda thanked them simply by not murding the hell out of them back in the day, right?

I say forget Thanksgiving completely. Give everybody some extra days off around the 4th of July instead. Let ‘em sleep off the Bud Lite an extra day or something. We’re all ready for a break from work around then anyhow. Besides, fireworks are WAY cooler than a dried out turkey.