Benjamin Franklin once said that, “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”  I think that most of us couldn’t agree more.

The problem with beer, however, is Budweiser. Well, not just Budweiser, but all of the macro-breweries: Miller, Coors, and the like get lumped in there with Budweiser. The reason Budweiser is a problem is that it gives beer a bad name. What with marketing and that you can get it anywhere, it’s easy to think that Budweiser is all that beer has to offer, and that’s just sad. There are so many other wonderful choices available, especially at your local brew-pub. Local breweries are one of the coolest things ever. Go get a tour and enjoy some beer tasting after. You’ll be a better person for it, and you’ll be helping stick it to the macro-breweries and you’ll avoid getting hicker than you already are.

Another excellent source of alcohol is wine. Your local grocer likely has a huge selection and a huge variety, and that can keep you busy all year. If you’re fortunate to live in a wine-making area, then you’ve got dozens of local wineries to chose from, and it’s pretty cool to taste a world-class wine that’s made in your town.

There’s an odd stigma about wine, especially among young folks; they seem to think it’s an old-person drink, but nothing could be further from the truth. You see, wine is often times sweet, something that beer doesn’t have to offer. Further, it’s got a higher alcohol-content than beer does, which means you need less to get the job done. Also, nobody looks hick while drinking wine, and you can pretend you’re not drunk if you’re drinking wine in polite company. That works because everybody else is also pretending not to be drunk, too.

But this essay is supposed to be talking about making a good drink so why don’t I get to that?

Making a good drink is a pretty easy thing to do if you follow a couple of simple and basic rules, and have a couple of simple and basic tools. I’ll start with the tools:

• Ice. No joke, ice is the most important thing a budding bartender can stock. Have plenty of it. Actually, have a little more than plenty, and you’ll do just fine. I suggest heading out to 7-11 and buying a bag since it’s got some quality control (unlike your tap water), comes in large quantities, and is cheap.

• The second most important tool you can have is a Jigger, shown right. You can drink out of hubcaps for all it matters, but if you’re mixing the wrong amounts of your ingredients, then you’ll end up with a bad drink. A jigger is two attached measuring cups; one is 1.5oz, the other is .75oz, and using one insures what eyeballing can’t: you’ve got the right mixture.

• Decent glassware. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be decent, it just has to be about the right size. Again, you can use hubcaps for all it really matters, but the big hint is that your hubcaps need to hold 12oz of drink.

Now you’ve got the tools for the job. Let’s talk about actually mixing drinks. All the best drinks have very few ingredients (not counting ice). Observe: Rum & Coke; Whiskey Sour (whiskey + sweet & sour); Margaritas (tequila, triple-sec, sweet & sour), White Russian (vodka, Kahlua, cream); Cosmopolitan (vodka, lime juice, cranberry juice), and that’s just off the top of my head. What you’re noticing here is that all of these well known, popular, good drinks are simple and have very few ingredients. The only complex drink I can think of that’s any good is the Long Island Iced Tea (vodka, gin, tequila, rum, tripple-sec, coke), and that’s only good because one drink will make you silly really quick while tasting good.

Now, mixing drinks is not an exact science, and there’s quite a bit of fudge factor involved. That said, more booze in a drink does not make for a better drink; just a stronger drink that’s kinda hard to choke down.

The steps to making a good drink are thus:

1. Fill a glass with ice. Fill it to the top else you’ll get an odd drink. Also, never re-use your ice. It’s only got one drink’s worth of coldness in it. Use it again, and what you’ll get is a watered down, warmish drink.
2. Use the large end of the Jigger to measure out some of the primary booze.
3. If you’re having a two-ingredient drink, fill to the top with the 2nd ingredient. If you’re having a three-ingredient drink, use the smaller end of the Jigger to measure out the 2nd booze.
4. Fill to the top with the 3rd ingredient.
5. Garnish
6. Enjoy.

There can be more to it than this if you want, but for one who’s inexperienced and/or lazy, it’s a great way to start.

You can also go to other bartending websites, but none of them are very good. Best thing to do is ask your bartender what they’re doing and tip well.

Metallica: the AOL of Metal.

That’s right, you heard me. I equate Metallica to a miserable, entry-level Internet service provider. Bear with me.

The first time you got online, you used AOL, but as soon as you realized what was going on and compared it to anything else, you got anything else. Maybe Cable or perhaps DSL, maybe even some local dial-up thinger, but it’s not AOL.

Or, if you still use AOL, you’re an ignorant redneck fool who wont open your eyes and wont move on to what’s better. You defend obsolete choices out of sheer stubborn stupidity.  You’re probably in an abusive relationship and say things like, “he’s nice when he’s sober!”